Been thinking a lot about the stuffs that I have done for the past 2 years, and felt like I have quite a huge amount of emotions going on in my brain right now. And I know as the years pass, I will tend to forget about all the things that are going through my mind right now, so maybe I should, sort of like record it down, so that when I get older, looking back and reading through all these, I will probably laugh at how immature my thoughts were back then.
I feel like I am not ready to be a doctor yet. I feel like I am still just a medical student (well I am, but I feel like over the past 2 years I am still at the same point as where I had started.) I compare myself to my peers, I give a lot of pressure to myself, I want to be better. I want to be a more responsible, a calmer, a cooler and probably a smarter person. I don't think I have reached that stage yet, and I feel so bad about it.
I should probably write this down in somewhere more private rather than an open blog, but who cares no one is going to read it anyway.
Back in Kluang, I thought I would be able to perform venepuncture like a boss, and it should have been an easy task for me. But it was not, and honestly there are so many veins that I cannot feel at all, and I have to ask the sister to come and assist me for those. And at some point of time I feel like I could have done better.
I thought I was going to be really calm while giving IM injection to the patient, but I actually snap the ampoule wrongly and cut my finger. Of course, I asked someone else to carry out the injection instead. And the bleeding just wouldn't stop (goddamn it) and my friends had to find a gauze and tape it around my finger. I'm really grateful and thankful for them (and to be honest I really miss my group back in Kluang, they were the nicest people I can ever hope for during the 3 weeks posting), but at the same time I felt so bad about myself, like I could have been more chill, and maybe finish the whole procedure in a better (so much better) way.
There are so many other things that I don't even bother to list them out, not to mention that my clinical skills are actually very bad compared to my friends. But I guess for now, all I can do is to try and do my best for my exams next week. And I will put all my negative thoughts aside, until when I have the time to tackle them one by one.
Till then.
Words just can't describe how much I love these people. If only Kluang posting could last longer.
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